Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
