Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
