I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
