Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
