if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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