I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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