A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
