I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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