apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
