So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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