My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
