Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize