My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
