The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
