I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
