she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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