I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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