ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
