we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
