I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
