Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
