In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
