Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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