Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
