so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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