I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize