I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
