I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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