Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
