I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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