i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
