She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
