The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My vagina is officially offended.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
