And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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