so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
