her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
