they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
