Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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