where am i from again
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
