i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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