At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You can't just leave with hair like that
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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