Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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