Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
