I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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