I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
