It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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