Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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