i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
