Will you blow on my dice?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
