Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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