I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
