i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
