My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
