I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
