Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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