I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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