i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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