i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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