we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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