Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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