i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
