Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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