you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
